Are you 1 in 4?

We all have days where we want to be alone, away from the hustle, the demands and the chaos of every day life, but what if the choice wasn’t ours? What if each day became harder than the last, darker than the last and left you feeling more disconnected and worthless than the one before? To bring attention to October being Mental Health Awareness month, this past week I sent out a call to those around me to refrain from acknowledging my very existence in order that I might feel the plight of those who suffer from the solitude mental illness can bring. Of those that live with a mental illness 50% have no close relationships and 13% having had no physical contact in the last year.
So by request I asked for no touching, no talking, no texting, no emails, no eye contact and no friendly smiles.

Before you begin to judge me on my attempt to replicate something I can’t possibly relate to, let me share a little bit of myself with you. It may surprise those of you that know me well that I didn’t always greet the morning with a jump on the bed and a call out that ‘today is going to be a great and wonderful day’. It is an uncomfortable and squeamish feeling for me to imagine those I know reading what’s to follow but I’ve risked all of this for you, because odds are (1 in 4 actually) that this is directed at you, either now or in the future. If not take a look around you and imagine that every fourth person you see could write a similar story.

There is a reason I didn’t graduate highschool until I was 22 or that I have scares of unexplainable existence on my body and why I wake up each morning now embracing each day as the best one I’ve ever had. I was there once….in the dark, alone, afraid of myself, bathing in an emotional pain that kept me clenching to my bed for days and to thoughts of ‘why can’t it just end?’. But this isn’t about me, this is about the people who are still there, every day, wondering ‘what’s the point?’ and ‘why me?’. It is for these people that I revisited old ghosts and retired masks. The point is not to burden you with black clouds but to make you realize these people and these issues live amongst you. We sit beside you in your classes, we ride the bus with you to school and we may very well be your bestfriend.


**Not even twelve hours since I said goodbye to my boyfriend and questioned the toll this would have on our beautiful and blossoming relationship the walls are already closing in. Sitting alone in my room while my entire family of friends heads to Bomber to celebrate the birthdays of two of my favourite people, along with the other couple hundred people who line up in the SLC each Wednesday night. The day is over and the closest I came to contact with another human being was the green ‘touch here’ sign on the doors exiting the #7 on my way home. What I wouldn’t do to be mashed in the middle of the sweaty Bomber dance floor to get accidently swiped by someone I don’t know.

**On my way to a doctor’s appointment this morning a man accidentally brushed my hand and apologized…. I felt like saying ‘thank you’. The doctor at the clinic asked me if I was depressed, I stalled, and produced a smile from deep inside that received a ‘you don’t look depressed’ response. A flash back to a councilor saying the same thing to me years ago just hours before I went home to spend days in the dark, heart bursting with pain and the fear of being alone with myself. We think our society is accepting of the mentally ill but the pressure to be happy and in control leaves those who are suffering to hide their true feelings. Sitting in a waiting room, a few tests later and no one to talk to about it with because there is no one. This is the reality of so many people dealing with issues of mental health. The fear of sharing, the anxiety of going through it alone and of having no one that cares.

**I feel like the roommate you’ve lived with for three months and still can’t pronounce my name, so you don’t and we go about our lives as if the other isn’t there. Only outside of these walls you have the life I’ve always wanted and I move around in the open space of a world of billions of people who never notice my existence. The faces and the people I have known as sources of comfort and inclusion stare blankly back at me and I feel lost in the stream. Even at the obedience of the white walk-man sign I feel invisible and as though I might be crushed by an oncoming car….would anyone care?

**I’m beginning to question what I am doing to myself and how I will ever get out. I am not a good sad person, which is why I play in the ‘life is amazing’, ‘couldn’t imagine a brighter day’ park most days. Now I’m wondering where the ‘let me out’ button is. Do I just ‘surprise! I’m back’ it to everyone? I’m remembering now that it wasn’t that easy the first time and a deep fear that it won’t be this time either. My body is aching for even the slightest brush of someone else unwilling to move over on the sidewalk. At this point I would do anything to take the challenge of giving up meat all over again or go a day without electricity for a glimpse of the life I loved just days ago.

The brain is a powerful thing. Every time the natural words of self-encouragement and optimism would seep into my head I would respond to them with words of impossibility and self-destruction. Days of this and the fear I will fall into something I’m not strong enough to fight myself I’ve decided to open the curtains, look up from the ground and embrace the arms of those around me. For most it is not a simple flick of a switch, it is a daily endeavour to do the things that the majority of us take for granted as being natural and enjoyable.

If this article speaks to you or if you are depressed or feeling thoughts of suicide you don’t have to face this alone. I can’t claim to share your feelings or know your pain but what I can do is promise you there is a life worth not only living for but fighting for on the other side and it is more beautiful and fulfilling than you could imagine. If you want to share with me your stories of triumph or your current battles I will listen with an open and compassionate heart. If you see me on campus smile and I will smile back because you are worth acknowledging and I know you are someone worth living. It is never too late to turn your life around and create the life you’ve always wanted for yourself, but I am not a professional and I encourage you to contact one.

I would like to encourage everyone to use what you have to bring joy to the lives of those around you. Look up when you are walking through campus and smile at people you’ve never met. We may face competition in every other aspect of our lives but when it comes to happiness and compassion we are in this together and no one wins in a world filled with misery and isolation.

To support Mental Health Awareness month, UW is acknowledging Suicide Awareness Prevention Day on October 20th and would like to encourage you to wear a white fabric strip somewhere on your body, or a piece of string, as a visible sign of the need to end silence around suicide. Fabric strips will be available at the SLC and residences on campus all day on Oct. 20, or make your own.

If someone has confided in you that they have thoughts of suicide or you are worried about the change in behaviour of a close friend tell them about your concern. Be patient, many times people who are depressed don’t know why they are and can get frustrated or become hesitant to share. Don’t push them to tell you what is wrong but let them know you are there when they want to open up. If it is uncomfortable to talk to someone close to you about suicide and depression write them a letter about how important their life is to you. Encourage them to talk to a professional and don’t ever hesitate to call an emergency service if you think they are going to take their life.

If you or someone you know needs help here are some local resources of people who are trained and eager to help:
University of Waterloo resources:
Counselling Services 519-888-4567 x32655
Health Services 519-888-4096
UW Police
on campus ext. 22222
off campus 519-888-4911

Kitchener/Waterloo Resources
Crisis Services of Waterloo
519-744-1813 or 1-800-366-4566
CMHA Distress Line
519-745-1166
Youth Line
519-745-9909
Kids Help Phone
1-800-668-6868 (anyone can call regardless if you are under 18)
Grand River Hospital
519-742-3611